Bob The Janitor “Wipes Up” Bill O’Reilly 9pm Slot.
With the unexpected firing of Fox Mega-Anchor Bill O’Reilly, following in the footsteps of the late night news queen Megyn Kelly’s abrupt departure, Fox News was seemingly out of available talent left to fill their shoes.
Until they discovered Janitor Bob.
“He’s actually quite good!” an anonymous FOX source told our field reporter, “And cute as the dickens! I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers… but the good news is, he’d clean them up after!”
Bob the Janitor was discovered accidentally, when he stumbled onto a live set with Laura Ingraham and Martha MacCallum and began wiping down the desks and chairs, oblivious to the on-air interview currently taking place.
As Martha MacCallum berated and interrogated her liberal opponent, she loudly exclaimed, “The filth in Washington can no longer be ignored, it’s dirty and downright disgusting for us all in this day and age!” — at which point Bob The Janitor nervously looked up, sprayed Windex in all directions, and began frantically wiping the desks, apologizing profusely.
Our FOX anonymous source confirmed, “The moment Bob showed up on the set, the switchboard was flooded with calls. Old ladies, young ladies, liberals, conservatives, and one old man, they all thought he was cute and wanted to see more of him. So the FOX powers-that-be suggested to Bob that he change his mopping schedule to coincide with the 9pm “The Five” slot, so he could participate in the discussions more frequently as he cleaned.”
And participate is just what Janitor Bob has been doing.
When “The Five” Host, Jesse Watters, was discussing Trump and the “draining of the swamp”, Janitor Bob chimed in, “I got me a good ol’ plunger that will do all that.” and got some laughs from the audience.
Bob The Janitor admits he gets a bit nervous mopping around “these high filutin’ talk show people. I feel like I should, you know, be better dressed, like maybe wear my fancy brass suspenders instead of the cloth ones – aw heck, their poop stinks just like mine. I know this for a fact.” as his eyes move to the bucket at his feet, and he holds his nose.
When asked who he voted for in the big election, Janitor Bob told “The Five” cast, “I voted for Hillary, I figured with all the dead bodies following her around, and FOX anchors vomiting into the cameras, I’d have job security for a lifetime.”
Will “The Five” turn into “The Six”, with the growing popularity and fanfare for Janitor Bob?
“Gee, that would be swell,” Bob told our reporter, “But I’d need a pay bump from $5 an hour to $5.50, or forget the whole thing.”