BREAKING: has obtained an invitation to this year’s “Grand Ol’ Kegger” event, one of the most notable secret events in the Republican Party. Here is what we know so far, according to the invitation:

– All you can drink “well drinks” and “piss water”
– All guests allowed a +1 but not a +2, not even Newt Gingrich (who is still likely being penalized for a 1998 party faux paux of showing up with several World Wrestling Federation superstars unannounced)
– Whatever happens at the party apparently “stays at the party”
– Live performance by Limp Bizkit at 11:15pm
– Beer Pong Tourney
– Make-Out closet “off limits to fatties”

We will keep you posted on updates as this story progresses.


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