Yes, we have obtained the list. And it took us all of 20 seconds.

Kathy Griffin’s latest axe to her career met with a quick demise when her last gig was officially cancelled today. We have compiled the entire list for our readers:

Her Next Door Neighbor’s lû`au – Capacity: 50 People (Tickets Sold: 1)

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Her next door neighbor sent invitations to all of the Hollywood B-List Celebrities and several D-list celebrities. Fabio, making his own F-List celebrity invitation, actually paid for his ticket in advance.

Comedy-Fest with Fabio – Capacity: 5000 People (Tickets Sold: 1)

What more can one ask for? Kathy Griffin on stage with Fabio’s amazing voice crooning over the laughter? We were unable to trace who bought the single ticket to this event, though rumor is that Fabio paid for his own ticket, just to ensure the bouncers would let him in.

NYC Homeless Shelter Standup – Capacity: 50 People (Tickets Sold: 0)

The event, scheduled for Christmas Eve, 2017, for the Manhattan Shelter for the Homeless, was scheduled to ensure the homeless would be able to come in out of the cold weather and enjoy comedy with Kathy. Oddly, they all said they had other plans that night in the freezing cold.

Plainfield, NY Hospice – Capacity: 50 Beds (Tickets Sold: 1)

Anytime you’re performing for a Hospice, you’re there to lighten the mood and bring the patients hopeful moments of laughter. Many of the patients scheduled to attend the event cancelled, due to Bingo being moved to that night. One corpse, however, supposedly purchased a ticket.

KFC Parking Lot, Queens – Capacity: 30 People (Tickets Sold: 1)

All the chicken you can eat, and all the fixins’, was the fuel needed for the free tickets Kathy was trying to give away for this long-planned event. Free tickets were placed on windshields, in parking lots, sent by mail, even thrown off the Empire State Building, where they were scattered throughout the city. Response was poor, however, as the invitations didn’t mention anything about free barf bags that would be needed for the comedy portion of the event.

NYC Subway Sewers – Rubbin’ Elbows With the Rats – Capacity: 1000 People

What does one do when they can’t get a legitimately paying gig? They beg the New York City mayor to let them go down into the subway tunnels, open a guitar case at their feet, and do standup to the passersby, in hopes of making some loot. Sadly, this was cancelled just this morning, due to “Strong possibilities the rats would come out of hiding and attack anything that moved” over the noise emanating from Kathy’s mouth.

A total of $30 in Refunds were given back to the three people who pre-paid for their tickets. The phone numbers of the three tickets have been confirmed as belonging to Kathy Griffin’s personal assistant, who is now working as a personal assistant for Fabio’s hair.

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