BREAKING: In an unprecedented yet brilliant tactical move, Dennis Rodman has declared “Victory” on Twitter today, announcing that he has successfully placated the leader of North Korea:

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Following his tweet, Government Officials received word that the North Korean hostages have been set free, at long last, and preparations were being made for their departure.

While Rodman’s mission in North Korea was labelled as “Top Secret”, he apparently had no problem posing for photographers and press as a hysterically-laughing and stoned Kim began to call for his master chef to prepare a gourmet feast of Pringles, Twinkies, and Cold Pizza.

Kim mumbled into the news camera, tearing open a bag of Doritos, as a translator interpreted:

Kim: Mmmmph…!

Interpreter: Our Respected Leader has indicated he uh, enjoys “doobying it up” with his home slice Denis. However, whoever suggested that Doritos Ranch would be welcoming to his palette will be “accidentally” poisoned this evening.

Kim: Mph! Mpppphhh!

Interpreter: Our Respected Leader has indicated that all of the hostages are being released now, provided Mr. Rodman keeps his end of the bargain, and leaves 100 joints discreetly in a brown paper bag and shares the brownie recipe. This is non-negotiable. Failure to provide either will result in World War 3, after all the joints have been smoked, not before.

President Trump was asked to comment on the success of Rodman, who has close ties to Trump as well. Trump replied simply, “All Rodman needs are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and he’s fine.”

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